Leslie off the FM

no, seriously, it’s been a while since i blogged. i’m sitting at a starbucks in northampton, massachussetts procrastinating getting some work done. wanna know what work is today?

i have to edit down some audio from a recent interview with a new band, Sixteen Cities. they’re not really known. to me they sound a little like mae. if you don’t know who mae is, um, youtube? yeah, youtube.

so yeah, my assignment is to edit. and now i have the sudden thought of “what if i attempt at multi-tasking and do show-prep annnnd blog at the same time? hmmm…” i guess i could give it a shot.

radio is more hardcore than i ever thought. but it’s fun hardcore work. hardcore meaning, you gotta be creative. i thought i was creative but radio’s showed me i’m like an oil mine. did i spell that right? ah well, you know how the beverly hill billies struck oil and then became super rich? creativity’s like that. it’s awesome when you strike it. it can happen every day or not. doesn’t really make me physically rich but i’m the child of a King so i’m already filthy rich. Jesus. HE hooks you up. may not always look like it on the outside if you’ve got this “barely making it” thing going on, but when you choose to surrender what’s most dear to you than Him, there’s reward.

abraham was the first guy that did this. God was like, “cool, my boy abraham’s so in love with me, he believes Me, he’ll do anything for me, let’s see if he loves Me more than anything on this earth….” so God told abraham to sacrifice his only son, isaac. ouch! really?! really, God?!! yeah. REALLY.

so abraham, though in pain over it, did it because He loved and believed God and trusted Him more than anything on this earth. so much that he was willing to sacrifice his son. and a true testamint of that was that isaac was willing to climb onto the altar to be sacrificed. no questions asked. the kid jumped on! why? because He knew his father believed everything God said and if this is what God asked, then his father would do it.

but then when God saw that abraham was gonna foreal kill his own son for Him, God sent an angel to be like “woah there cowboy! don’t do it!” so God saw that abraham loved Him more than anything on this earth, even more than his own son. Abraham believed God and was obedient so God honored that.  that’s legit.

i know it seems far-fetched but i wanna love/believe/trust God that way. don’t worry, i’m not gonna go all taliban on you. killing people for the “sake of God.” but to surrender what’s most dear. that’s tough.  i remember doing that with my radio dream. i gave it up. it was so hard. tore my heart apart. i was broken because i loved my dream so much and it was disappointing me.  my dream wasn’t lovin’ me back.  so i retraced my steps…God first.   “God, i give up! i don’t care what you have me do! if it’s not radio, fine! just use me!!”  i didn’t wanna live life without God.  i believe God always knows what’s best for us.

i even pitched the idea to God about how i didn’t care if he made me to be a plumber. i just wanted to do what i was made to do. i really don’t have a passion for plumbing though. i just was so desperate.

may we stay in a state of desperation after God’s heart.

amen.

i wish i was a skinny asian girl with long black silky hair.  today was the day.

over it.

k, so i’m excited about 2012 for so many reasons.

here are the shallow ones: using up giftcards/gifts that were given to me. (i’m usually not a namebrand person but i love betsey johnson bags so i was super stoked to score one this christmas, so yay!!)

okay, now the more serious sorta spiritual ones: got a new hot pink bible that i can understand to pair up with a cup of italian roast, trying not to post anything negative or emo on facebook & basically living life undaunted - not letting problems/circumstances limit me because reality is, they can’t.  

uninhibited.

hello 2012. 

:-)

Having the Christmas blues is like the chicken pox. You hear of people catching it at different stages of life & wonder if you caught it when you were too young to remember or maybe you’ll catch it someday, or never… That’s what i guess i assumed about the christmas blues. How could there be sadness in Christmas? Jesus is the reason for the season…its not an actual Bible verse but maybe in the message translation you could find it in Mary’s song after hearing from the angel Gabe that she was chosen to be the home of Jesus for 9 months…. She wasnt some supermodel…nor was she some highly esteemed chick…she was your girl next door…but in her heart and in her mind she had it settled that she was made to serve God & His purposes no matter what the cost. She was cool with it even though she didnt get it at first, being a virgin…but she was willing__not a rockstar. Tonigt i wept because i put myself in her shoes. With whatever God’s called us to do, its not gonna be a smooth road…it costs. Sometimes i wanna quit. “God, im not worthy…im too messed up…i have sooo much to overcome…im not anything special…im not a big deal….not pretty enough…gifted enough…” the list goes on…& how many of those are lies? Tonight i realize mary had a choice. She was human so she couldve flipped out on angel gabe but instead she knew who she was made for & where her significance was in…no matter what the call had been, she was chosen by God. She knew above all that God loved her. So Im blue because i really struggle to see/believe how mary did back on that day…& somethin cool my pastor brought up was that even after giving birth to Jesus she didnt give him a “peaceout, i did my good deed for eternity…”she continued her faith walk…reminds me of that verse”never grow weary of doing good…” i feel like i grew weary a long time ago, working at sbux & volunteering my butt off for wayfm…working for mere man gets tiring & you feel cheated…but if you keep yours eyes on Jesus, everything for the one who chose you, it doesnt get old. Time to get my eyes, my heart back on track…no matter what the cost..even if it means catching a little Christmas blues..

when you have all the right outside excuses not to hang out with people but inside you know there’s a real definite reason you don’t want to?  or maybe it’s more than one personal excuse…

that’s me.

sometimes the truth is i don’t want to hurt feelings..

or some things are too personal to share.

stuff i only share with God or possibly my mentor.  

still testing the mentor relationship. i share a lot but there are days i don’t know if i trust this person enough with everything….like my mentor in nashville.  i shared everything with her.  actually i take that back…i could’ve forgotten to share some stuff since new stuff always pops up but you get what i mean.  

just the other day i had the most bizarre thought.  i was thinking about my church family in nashville and how when i visit them, i feel at home.  but i feel that way about people up here in new england too.  it’s the people.  relationships.  God makes those home.  then the bizarre thought came.  i’m not saying it’s anything valid but i had it: what if God movies me back to nashville? nahhhh, He wouldn’t…what would i do there??  

so i thought about it some more and i think it’s a distraction.  i will always love nashville.  but having lived up in new england for a year i’ve developed more of a heart for this whole area.  and i really love my job/jobs.  sure i whine about the administrative stuff but we all need to be in places of stretching.  that’s mine.  we all need to grow and in growing there’s pain.  sucky process but hey, the end result is growth and maturity!  so that’s my story….a part of it.

hope you enjoyed.

peaceout.

Emotionally.

But I gotta hope on..
Feelings have overstepped their boundaries. Truth aint havin it no mo’..
I have to make a choice right now & i choose truth.

i think i’m more tumblr-ing than journaling these days…it is what it is.

okay so i’m on this prayer kick.  

if you don’t know, we like had this badazz blizzard last saturday and it caused lots of damage….millions or thousands without power…worse than hurricane irene damage…yep…

so to help people keep warm because it’s so cold out, we opened up our cafe for a few hours from wed. to friday…only about 3 families came and it was like one a day…but those people were worth it…

one of them was this lady who was sooo worn with having no power on top off being on the brink of divorce and her husband unloving their gay son.  and she’s got a bad back and bad leg stuff going on…

lots on her plate. 

so there she was.  crying to us about how her husband doesn’t love her and he doesn’t want her.  he makes fun of her belief in Jesus…her gay son obviously doesn’t feel the love from his dad so he’s out most of time spending the night at his boyfriend’s….

the whole family’s a mess.

but it was so neat to be able to speak life and hope over her.  to listen to her and pray with her was awesome!!! praying for her was what set me off this past yesterday!  man, i was prayin’ for her like it was life or death!  i don’t know how the passion came but it did…i just closed my eyes really tight and i feel like i was praying God’s heart for her….warring for her…fighting for her…

makin’ war on the floor.  

sounds wacky but it’s the truth.  i love this.  i did this with some girls at an event in plymouth, ma.  and so anyway, after praying for this lady, i ended up prayin’ for my co-worker, then this other lady that walked into our cafe and then this volunteer and then tonight, i got to pray for my friend nicole’s foot.  

i always feel so honored and special to be able to pray for somebody on the spot.  it’s so cool because it’s unscripted. ha!  seriously, it has to be God’s heart.  i wanna keep doing this.  it makes me feel alive.  i love it.  i was made for it.  praying for people and then seeing God answer prayer is awesome!!!  

but here’s the weird thing.  when i’m by myself, it’s not as enjoyable to pray.  it’s not as easy flowin’…but when there’s someone to pray for on the spot and in person, prayer’s flyin!  doesn’t make sense.  maybe i need to exercise prayer more on my own. maybe that’ll help me have God’s heart for people more often.  

wanna know something else that’s neat that’s sort of connecting the dots with all this???  okay, back when i was an intern in nashville about 5 years ago, i told my friend nicki that i felt like God was gonna use me to speak in front of lots of people and that i could see myself on stage and stretching out my hands over lots of young people….so nicki drew me a picture of that vision as a christmas gift…and this past week i just happened to glance over it and started looking at it, all the details…nicki drew crowds of people, me on my knees on a stage with my head down and my hands stretched out on people and then she wrote out all these life-giving verses over me and the crowds….so random that i happened to be checking it out this week and all this prayer stuff is unfolding…i wonder what God is doing…and then this book in my boss’s office popped out to me…it’s titled, “passion for JEsus” by a guy named mike bickle (a dude i thought might be wacky because he started this prayer thing called international house of prayer and loopy people come from there sometimes) and i started reading it…it’s really honest and good so far…nothing loopy yet…we shall see…i’ll let you know if the dude’s loopy…

i’m done with loopy christianity.  i just want the real deal. Jesus. 

well, it’s more like, “and the results are..”

this is in reference to my recent follow-up review i had…

this is where your bosses tell you what you need to work on and the follow-up is for them to let you know if they’ve seen improvement or if you’re anywhere on the right track.

so i’m glad to report that my bosses said they’ve seen improvement!  yeehaw. foreals.

this whole thing made me realize how hard it is for me to receive positive feedback. as a kid, i only remember receiving positive feedback for performance.  it was never because of me.  i was more used to hearing negative feedback.  people telling me what i was doing wrong.  how much i sucked.  

to receive positive feedback is awkward.  i squirm. look to the side. tilt my head. look down. smirk and say thanks in a sarcastic tone without making eye contact.

sometimes i do make eye contact and it’s still weird.

you’d think that a big-mouthy outgoing chica like me was super confident but man, lack of confidence is my flaw.  a big one.  this Christmas, i want to know what it’s like to properly place my confidence in Christ and be fully restored. 

sounds impossible.

but i dare to hope.

that should be like my motto.  ok. done. it is. that’s my motto. 

i dare to hope.

amen.